You Had One Job, Fíli
by Lasgalendil
Summary: His brother's keeper? Yeah, right! Caught in a custody battle over Ori and labeled by Dori as "the worst older brother in Arda", Nori recounts for the court all the times Fíli was *actually* the worst big brother in The Hobbit franchise.
1. An Unnecessary Prologue

**You Had One Job, Fíli**

So this is how fucked up my family is: Dori thinks I'm the worst older brother in the world. He's threatened to not let me see Ori anymore. Says I'm a bad influence, I smoke too much, drink too much, I'm a thief, a liar, blah, blah, blah pass the chamomile tea, please.

Me? I say he's smothering the poor kid. And look, I know I've made some mistakes. I've even said sorry to Elrond about the whole candlestick thing. I'm moving on. Making amends. It's a seven step program, yeah?

Don't go thinking I hate Dori. He's a good guy. Great cook. Decent Dwarf. Got his heart in the right place…but also his head up his ass. He's not perfect himself, you know. Can't tell you how many times he lost track of that damned hobbit out in the wild. And I don't like how much time he's letting my kid brother spend with Balín. Sure, good influence and all that, but we've got a good thing going here, and I don't hold with all this Moria talk. Funny—now Dori says _I'm_ the one being overprotective.

Either way, I've got to go make my defense. You'd think a kid who'd completed the Quest for Erebor would be able to say who he wants to spend his weekends with…

An attorney? Please. I got this covered.

…Let's just hope this Dáin guy has a sense of humor.


	2. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

**You Had One Job, Fíli**

A Slip of the Tongue: When he doesn't tell Kíli the hobbit's name is actually 'Baggins'

Mind Your Manners: When he doesn't tell Kíli it's rude to wipe your boots on someone's mother's dowry chest

Running With Scissors: When he hands freshly sharpened blades to a hobbit who immediately takes off running with them.

I'm Not Saying the Ponies Are Gone: But the ponies are gone.

Not At the Table: When he doesn't tell Kíli not to talk about his bowel habits at the dinner table, and Thorin has to kick him to make him shut up.

Bad Company: When he lets his little brother go on a Quest to reclaim a homeland and slay a dragon with a burglar who's never burgled, a Wizard who's never killed a dragon, and trusts his little brother's life to the word of a weed-smoking Wizard on a bunnysled who's covered in birdshit.

Eat Your Vegetables: When he fails to make his younger brother eat well in addition to preventing a food fight in the cafeteria.

Dude Looks Like a Lady: When he laughs at his younger brother instead of supporting his newly discovered bisexuality.


	3. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

**You Had One Job, Fíli**

Bad Babysitter: When both spiders and Elves attack and he doesn't notice his younger brother is missing until AFTER he hears him scream

Doesn't Share: When his younger brother is being attacked by spiders and doesn't even have a dagger…while he has nine.

Adolescent Advice: When he forgot to tell his younger brother the worst way to hit on a hot girl is by talking about your boner/making "in my pants" jokes if you actually want into her heart or trousers.

Bad Packer: When he didn't tell Dís to send Kíli something useful to remember her by…like a dagger.

The Harsh Truth: When he doesn't tell his younger brother that if terrible emo poetry and talking about missing your mother gets you the girl, it's most likely a pity fuck.

Don't Panic: When his younger brother gets shot by orcs and they all might die if a certain lever doesn't get pulled and he just sits in a barrel screaming his brother's name…twice.

Practicing Without a License: When his younger brother gets shot by orcs and he binds his leg rather than letting the only qualified healer among them take care of it.

Failed First Aid: When he lets his younger brother with an open wound swim through a sewer and crawl up a toilet.

Plays Too Nicely With Others: When orcs arrive while his younger brother is dying and he gives them a bear hug for showing their support.

Bad Bedside Manner: when he brings his younger brother a bowl of walnuts to rest in.

My Eyes are Up Here: When Tauriel is healing his dying younger brother, and all he can think is he just can't believe that boner reference/"in my pants" joke actually worked.

She Walks In Starlight In My Trippy Dreams: When he lets his younger brother flirt horribly under the influence of Elvish Medicine and doesn't even try to stop him.

Eye of the Cougar: When he doesn't tell Tauriel off for taking advantage of his not-even-legal little brother while he was unconscious/under the influence since she let him watch.


	4. The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies

**You Had One Job, Fíli**

What's In a Name: That time he got himself and Kíli killed while saving their Uncle Thorin.

Spoiler Alert: Who dies anyway.

...Too soon?

Who's the bad older brother now, bitches?


	5. A Long-Expected Epilogue

**You Had One Job, Fíli**

I, Dáin II Ironfoot, son of Náin, son of Grór, son of Dáin I, Heir of Dúrin the Deathless and King Under the Mountain, Lord of the Iron Hills, Slayer of Azog, Hero of Azanulbizar (titles, titles, etc.) do hereby declare the Dwarf Nori to be an unspeakable cad with an insufferable sense of humor. I therefore, by the power invested in me by usurping the throne from my third cousin Dís, do declare him this day to my War Council, as to better offer insult to my enemies.

Signed in the presence of the necessary witnesses this day the 17th of April, TA 2942,

Dáin II Ironfoot, son of…you know how it goes.

PS: Don't go to Moria.

PPSS: _No, really._


End file.
